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Dear Princess Celestia,
I've joined a gym That was two weeks ago. In the past two weeks I've gone to the Planet Fitness just a couple miles down the local commercial strip from my home every night after work, and walked an hour on the treadmill. Most days, I've gone at least 2 miles. Today I went less, but it's more the exception than the rule.
...And it feels like that's all I have going for me in my life.
Your Majesty, I'm stuck going through the motions again. I'm on Autopilot again, and hard this time. Aside from a few flashes of awareness every so often throughout the day, I feel like I'm not even there. Time is passing me by. It feels like every waking moment is just a bridge to the next one. What's it all for, your highness? What am I achieving? Anything? Anything at all?
Despite the exercise every weekday, my physical health hasn't budged. I suppose I should give it more time, shouldn't I? My emotional health, though...
I feel like I've lost a limb.
I feel remarkably empty, my liege. And I cannot even assert that it's a 'bad'' thing. I ... Cannot tell. Not for sure. There's a hole in my life and I don't know what it is. And yet, although there are several things that offer up a possibility of being the missing piece, I feel a disturbing lack of desire to put such pieces in.
... I've lost all the things I wanted so badly to live for.
Huh.
You know, Princess, I thought it would hurt more...? Wasn't this supposed to be some profound overwrought tragedy that should reduce me to a sobbing pile of hopeless yearning or something? Why do I feel so... "Meh"? I just don't get how I can feel like trash for no good reason, and yet when I have plenty of reasons, I don't feel anything at all?
...not even candy colored equines are making a difference.
Well, I suppose all I can do is keep you posted, but ... Don't count on it.
You know as well as I how bad I've been at that!
Amicably,
Your Loyal Subject,
Cyclone Dusk
I've joined a gym That was two weeks ago. In the past two weeks I've gone to the Planet Fitness just a couple miles down the local commercial strip from my home every night after work, and walked an hour on the treadmill. Most days, I've gone at least 2 miles. Today I went less, but it's more the exception than the rule.
...And it feels like that's all I have going for me in my life.
Your Majesty, I'm stuck going through the motions again. I'm on Autopilot again, and hard this time. Aside from a few flashes of awareness every so often throughout the day, I feel like I'm not even there. Time is passing me by. It feels like every waking moment is just a bridge to the next one. What's it all for, your highness? What am I achieving? Anything? Anything at all?
Despite the exercise every weekday, my physical health hasn't budged. I suppose I should give it more time, shouldn't I? My emotional health, though...
I feel like I've lost a limb.
I feel remarkably empty, my liege. And I cannot even assert that it's a 'bad'' thing. I ... Cannot tell. Not for sure. There's a hole in my life and I don't know what it is. And yet, although there are several things that offer up a possibility of being the missing piece, I feel a disturbing lack of desire to put such pieces in.
... I've lost all the things I wanted so badly to live for.
Huh.
You know, Princess, I thought it would hurt more...? Wasn't this supposed to be some profound overwrought tragedy that should reduce me to a sobbing pile of hopeless yearning or something? Why do I feel so... "Meh"? I just don't get how I can feel like trash for no good reason, and yet when I have plenty of reasons, I don't feel anything at all?
...not even candy colored equines are making a difference.
Well, I suppose all I can do is keep you posted, but ... Don't count on it.
You know as well as I how bad I've been at that!
Amicably,
Your Loyal Subject,
Cyclone Dusk
Open Letters to Celestia - #38
Dear Princess Celestia, I don't know where I left off, so picking up from there is perhaps an order too tall. Frankly, pausing to read back feels like it would just be a stalling maneuver, and I have had far too many of those for one lifetime already. I even feel uncertain as to exactly what I should write, because I am so rusty... but I have long since decided that it is high time I made an attempt. Here goes nothing, Your Majesty. I've been working at a company for whom I am rather fond since roughly May 2018. The previous place didn't work out for a multitude of reasons. Seems I am prone to giving myself a kind of self-inflicted Stockholm Syndrome as a survival mechanism when I have to deal with people who do not have my interests at heart, let alone my best ones. Is that so rare, actually? I feel as though I've seen similar sentiments from many people. This position I work now feels fundamentally different, however, as the so-called "honeymoon phase" never ended for me. I am
Open Letters to Celestia - #37
Dear Princess Celestia,
I struggle with finding a place to begin. Years have passed and they haven’t been kind. there’s been a lot on my plate on and off, and I’m not doing as well as I thought I’d be, even though upon looking at my past there have been far darker times for me than these. I remember contemplating drastic actions that would have caused a great deal of harm. Thankfully, my exercise of attempting to reframe my regrets from an angle of gratitude rushes in - I’m glad I didn’t follow the darkest paths available.
I passingly thought, “would that i could be writing to you of gladder tidings
Open Letters to Celestia - #36
Dear Princess Celestia,
It's funny how positive I was in the last letter only for things to take the most severe dip they ever had in years. And yet, somehow I'm writing you from an even better place right now, your majesty. I had some rough patches start to accumulate as the month of April wore on. Certain proclivities of certain people at my job crossed some kind of threshold that I always knew was there, but never knew the specific location of, until it was behind us. A line was crossed. I can sum up the entirety of April as follows:
Pressure mounted, and with the help of my sister we did not crack under pressure but rather shined. I l
Open Letters to Celestia - #34
Dear Princess Celestia,
... There have been some developments since last I wrote you. Life goes on. For once, however, I do feel as though I've gotten somewhere. There are a few ways in which I've somehow managed to wrest control of my life back into my own hooves. Some of these ways are controversial, but the fact that they work despite certain sources of friction even coming from people who care about me very much only seems to further confirm to me the efficacy of my methods.
There is something I'm doing now that I haven't ever before... getting to a healthier point, physically, than I have ever had prior in my adult life. Since february
© 2016 - 2024 Cyclone-Dusk
Comments1
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Your previous letter reminds me of a friend who had similar problems. Because of the friend I heard of a third person who described their life as utterly lacking in feeling, until one day they had a sudden breakthrough: spotting a random thing, a corn flake under a refrigerator, and finding it the most hilarious thing in the world. Because it was, after so long of feeling nothing. In the friend's case I fear his first return to any emotion at all was anger and loathing toward himself and others, which he seemed to embrace like a toxic flame in the cold. I had once seen him laugh (while playing a game called Red Dragon Inn), but have had no contact lately.
If I'm reading your situation correctly, it's not unique. It doesn't reflect badly on you morally, and professional help is available.
If I'm reading your situation correctly, it's not unique. It doesn't reflect badly on you morally, and professional help is available.