Open Letters to Celestia - #30

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Cyclone-Dusk's avatar
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Dear Princess Celestia,

I've joined a gym That was two weeks ago. In the past two weeks I've gone to the Planet Fitness just a couple miles down the local commercial strip from my home every night after work, and walked an hour on the treadmill. Most days, I've gone at least 2 miles. Today I went less, but it's more the exception than the rule. 

...And it feels like that's all I have going for me in my life.

Your Majesty, I'm stuck going through the motions again. I'm on Autopilot again, and hard this time. Aside from a few flashes of awareness every so often throughout the day, I feel like I'm not even there. Time is passing me by. It feels like every waking moment is just a bridge to the next one. What's it all for, your highness? What am I achieving? Anything? Anything at all?

Despite the exercise every weekday, my physical health hasn't budged. I suppose I should give it more time, shouldn't I? My emotional health, though... 

I feel like I've lost a limb.

I feel remarkably empty, my liege. And I cannot even assert that it's a 'bad'' thing. I ... Cannot tell. Not for sure. There's a hole in my life and I don't know what it is. And yet, although there are several things that offer up a possibility of being the missing piece, I feel a disturbing lack of desire to put such pieces in. 

... I've lost all the things I wanted so badly to live for. 

Huh.

You know, Princess, I thought it would hurt more...? Wasn't this supposed to be some profound overwrought tragedy that should reduce me to a sobbing pile of hopeless yearning or something? Why do I feel so... "Meh"? I just don't get how I can feel like trash for no good reason, and yet when I have plenty of reasons, I don't feel anything at all?

...not even candy colored equines are making a difference. 

Well, I suppose all I can do is keep you posted, but ... Don't count on it.

You know as well as I how bad I've been at that!

Amicably,
Your Loyal Subject,
Cyclone Dusk
© 2016 - 2024 Cyclone-Dusk
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KSchnee's avatar
Your previous letter reminds me of a friend who had similar problems. Because of the friend I heard of a third person who described their life as utterly lacking in feeling, until one day they had a sudden breakthrough: spotting a random thing, a corn flake under a refrigerator, and finding it the most hilarious thing in the world. Because it was, after so long of feeling nothing. In the friend's case I fear his first return to any emotion at all was anger and loathing toward himself and others, which he seemed to embrace like a toxic flame in the cold. I had once seen him laugh (while playing a game called Red Dragon Inn), but have had no contact lately.

If I'm reading your situation correctly, it's not unique. It doesn't reflect badly on you morally, and professional help is available.