Open Letters to Celestia - #28

Dear Princess Celestia,

It has been a rather difficult few months, but thankfully not for the reason I feared it might. Rest assured, your majesty, that at least for now, my employment situation remains intact. There's a lot else going on. When 2015 ended, it closed a rather dark chapter of my life that I am pleased to put behind me forever. But the damage is already done, and continues to this day. There are things I've lost with 2015 that I'll never have again. There are difficulties that I will never overcome that weigh upon my shoulders, and show no sign of ever letting up. Instead, I shall likely have to simply get used to them, and understand that this is my life now.

I must issue apologies to begin. For the sake of their privacy, there are details I cannot discuss openly with you, Your Majesty, even though in your wisdom you likely already know (at least on some level). And because this is an open letter, I apologize to you as well, my dearest friends, who trusted me to bury these things and never acknowledge them again, for I have failed; I cannot continue to operate as though these troubles were naught but scraps of poorly composed prose on a witless would-be poet's floor.

In the month of December, a dear friend's emotionally and verbally abusive housing situation boiled over and landed them without shelter. The vastly capable support network that surrounded all of us associated sprang into action and pulled a miracle of helping that person find shelter and some temporary monetary relief... but not without great cost. The stress of the ordeal brought out the worst in basically everypony (and also those who are not ponies). Despite my best efforts... I could not keep everyone together. Misunderstandings ignited into an out of control firestorm that burned every bridge it touched. And while I am allegedly in "good standing" with everyone still... I feel that even my own connections to them are brittle and dessicated, ready to collapse into ash at the slightest touch.

...I do not know what to do, Your Highness. I haven't known what to do. But I know one thing that happened:

There is a terrible trend taking root of late whereby it is seen as "wise" to assume the worst, to conclude as quickly as possible that someone is acting in bad faith, speaking with mockery, or plotting malice. And then to strike them 'back' "first". I have known for a little while of there being two worlds, which exist entirely based upon your own perceptions. "El Mundo Bueno" and "El Mundo Malo". In the benevolent world, a stumble and a fall results in a bump or a bruise. In the malicious world, the same fall breaks the neck and paralyzes for life, if not outright kills. These are extreme examples, but I have ever since always murmured to myself to stay in the benevolent world whenever uncertainty arose, and not to fall into the malicious one. Now I know what it's like when El Mundo Malo claims the souls of the people I love.

In this dark world, everyone is waiting to betray you and every kind word is laced with poison. All motives are ulterior. All interests are at conflict. Everyone is out to get you, especially someone you love the most. Especially someone you've worked hardest to support and protect. And this is what I saw. Explanations dismissed as posturing. Apologies scoffed at as manipulation. Advice rejected as disrespect. And even if I could name names, in this case it would be impossible to say who was doing what to whom. It was, in a word, a shitstorm, My Liege. 

And so... I ask you, what should I have done? What can I ever do? Thus, I shall consult the elements of harmony here:

HONESTY: You ought to tell them what's on your mind. Could it sting a little? It might. But then again, not talking at all is going to do a lot more harm than good. 

LOYALTY: You should give them a chance... maybe they have more to say this time. This isolation is probably hurting them too. You should know by now, you can't protect someone from yourself, nor can you protect them from themselves either. You just gotta be there, no matter what comes.

KINDNESS: Even though it was hurting you and you had to retreat and heal... they need healing too. Maybe. And Maybe is too high a likelihood to ignore. You're not going to hurt them, at least not on purpose. And if you fail, it's better to fail doing the right thing than succeed at hiding away.

GENEROSITY: You have so much you want to provide. It's killing you keeping it bottled up inside. Tying yourself down isn't helping anyone, and even if it DOES hurt, you have enough resolve to push through it. This is not too great a sacrifice to make for the people you love!

LAUGHTER: And you DO love them. Their happiness made your entire world go 'round. Even if you're wrong, believing in them that they care as much about you back isn't a bad thing. And it's not like you're asking them for anything. You live for this... you'd jump at the chance to see them happy again. What if--Just what if!--they want the same? Go for it.

MAGIC: Cooperation cannot occur in isolation. The only way to know for sure that such an activity is even eligible for planning is to inquire and gather information. Only then can you be sure. Whether the destination is right or wrong is meaningless if you don't even choose a path, and do you know a righter path than this one? Surely one may exist, but what other choice is even known to you? It's a rhetorical question. None. You don't have to hide anymore. You've done your due diligence. This chapter is closed. Time to start a new experiment!

...And that's how it works. I think I've needed to flesh this out for some time. 

There are other things that have plagued me, but this was the first of the issues that have cropped up. If I am lucky, and my willpower sustains... then perhaps I shall write you again with a shorter gap next time, Your Majesty.

Hopefully,
Your Diligent Subject,
Cyclone Dusk