Dear Princess Celestia - #6

Crushes ain't what they used to be.

I've been thinking about you, and thinking about people that I care about, and somehow, at some point, my perspective has changed. Once upon a time, there were things like impassable mountains that encapsulated my entire horizon. Now, I feel as though I look down upon it all, and it all seems so placid, so subtle, so gentle, and so very far away. I see that those mountains are little more than nigh-imperceptible wrinkles, and that there was nothing of interest beyond them. The world was a more interesting place before I caught this glimpse of it. But even now a corner of my mind nudges me, cautions me that even this may be a delusion.

You see, Your Highness, once upon a time, I would think the slightest touch of affection I held toward someone was the end-all be-all of fated romance. Yes, it's quite laughable, isn't it. I've been laughing at that for a long time, but I never thought that I'd be looking back on the kind of emotional standpoint I'd held a mere few months ago as if it were the same absurd naivete. I almost wonder if it's more like all sapient emotional complexity is manufactured. I have a crush on someone, but it's not a landmark... it's not even a footnote. I didn't even mention it to my special somepony (sorry sweetie %%) because it's of so little importance to me. The only reason I'm even writing it to you now is not because I find this crush to be notable, but rather that I find its lack of notability to be notable!

Thanks to a conversation I had with a dear old friend a few days ago, it suddenly hit me that making a big deal out of something so trivial is patently ridiculous. What function does it serve? None! None at all! It would make me feel awkward and silly around them, and possibly damage the dynamics of the relationship if I built it up into something that would actually influence how I act in a conscious way. What's most important of all is that there's a person that I like. I just like them. I'm not knitting baby horseshoes wistfully considering what the future may hold. My liege, I beg that you pardon how very much my eyes do roll at the very idea.

Instead I'll just continue to accept that I think she's great and I'll continue on as I always had, because I already have all the emotional security and support I could ever need. One likes someone for who they are, not what they do, after all. Every time we feel affection toward someone, it feels like something new because it is. Love is a word for an attachment that any two people can form toward each other, and every single one of these potential attachments are unique. A person doesn't have a single 'love' that they can only give out once. We may live in a culture that attempts to force us to believe that, but all of us who have been around the block a few times know that our experience tells us otherwise.

I think I have to summarize: I have a crush on this gal and I'll probably tell her even though she probably already knows. But I won't keep pushing the issue because a) it's rude; b) it's not that important; c) it's bad enough if she thinks that this means she has to treat me differently and I don't need to exacerbate it more than honesty already will. If she thinks that this creates a conflict of interest that cannot be remedied, then it's her loss.

(And just in case anypony reading my letter to you thinks I'm talking about her, herself, I will take this opportunity to assure that the reader is almost definitely not the gal in question.)

(Anyway, most of my friends I have more than friendly feelings for, I believe I've already told)

In fact, let's just make this easy and pretend that the mare in question is you, Princess.

Princess Celestia, I have a crush on you, but I have no intention of getting all weird about it. You're pretty, elegant, really cool, and your aura of patient benevolence sometimes even makes my day when you cross my mind. Allowing myself to believe that you use a tiny portion the infinite amount of time you have at your disposal to read my letters and briefly ponder them helps me feel a lot better. Sometimes I wish I could hug you a lot. We all just want to be relevant to the lives of others and although I know I'll never be relevant to yours, you're super relevant to me - and you don't even have to do anything to be so. So thank you. If it were ever possible for me to do something for you, I wish I could do it. For now, though, my gut tells me you would hypothetically like it if I were to keep writing letters. So I will.

But aside from the logistical "check the box on the chart next to 'strongly emotionally invested'" part of having a crush, crushes are not nearly as big of a deal as we are, perhaps facetiously at the hooves of our elders, led to believe. By far the best route to take with this sort of thing is honesty, and the first path on that route is being honest with yourself about what it means, with no grandiose gestures, florid scripting, or convoluted planning.

Thank you for being someone to write stuff to (and more!),
Your humble subject,
Cyclone Dusk