Dear Princess Celestia - #12

Isn't there something wrong when applying for a job one really likes gives one a bubbly and hopeful feeling exactly identical to the feeling one gets when purchasing a lottery ticket - complete with the very same looming specter of inevitable disappointment?

That's what it feels like. An exercise in futility. 

I know I don't live in Equestria, your highness... that life isn't fair out here beyond The Everfree. 

At the very least people understand that I'm trying. I'm still trying. Sol help me I sometimes feel like I should have given up ages ago, that it would've been so much easier to just fade away... but I haven't. Is it because I'm brave, or is it because I'm a coward? Am I stubborn, hapless, a fool, or a stubborn hapless fool? Every DAY feels like a betrayal, Princess. 

Every. 

Single.

DAY.

I've been seeing a therapist, so rest assured I'm in good hooves before I say: I wish I could just die already and get it over with.

The world has made it abundantly clear that my ilk is not welcome. It doesn't want me, it doesn't need me, and if I don't stay out of the way I will surely be trampled. Many people are motivated to obstruction out of spite. They resign themselves to being trampled, and endeavor to make the trampling process as uncomfortable for the trampler as possible. To hurl oneself so forcefully into the meat grinder that it clogs for the benefit of all those whom it would grind next. Is it noble... or is it savage? I.. 

... I really can't even tell anymore. 

The next logical step would be backward. To take a step back in order to survey the big picture and ultimately realize that it's all meaningless. Noble? Savage? Courageous? Craven? Just words. Just words made up by creatures desperate to recognize patterns even where there aren't any; to detect causal relationships where there is not one; to hallucinate purpose or believe, perhaps misguidedly, that there's a reason bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people... without even considering for a moment what good and bad really even are. 

Oops. Stepped back too far. Shucks, ain't that always the way. 

All I want is to make a contribution. To be a part of the world. 

It's funny. I can almost hear you trying to reassure me that I am a part of the world, and that you can see relevance in me that I can't see in myself... that if only I were aware of it, I would know that I have something to hang on for. I'm desperate enough to believe you, Princess. Desperate enough to believe an imaginary friend. 

Why does it feel so good to bleed, metaphorically, onto the page like this? I am not even sure I really want to know. 

I don't know much right now. 

Just small things.

Like what I did today:

I saw Rainbow Rocks today and it was good. Much better than EQG1. I dislike their portrayal of you as a principal of a high school, but the emotional context of the story managed to actually overpower my imagination's reeling rejection of the absurd logistical contrivances. I got to see friends, as well.

I picked up wubcake around 2pm and we went to Volley Shots' restaurant for lunch. Got the 'Four Happiness' and the 'house special lo mein' and split it. Volley Shots is always fun to hang out with. I intend to see him again on Sunday, provided nothing intervenes.

Then we left around 5pm and began the long drive to Worcester, where the film was playing, and met a brony from central Massachusetts named Chris, attending with his father. He was a good fellow with lots of friendly vibes. We compared Best Ponies (rainbow dash, I believe he said?). I gave him my contact information after the show just in case he wanted to link up with the local Stable, and we took pictures.

Afterward, Wubcake, Night Writer, Rainboom, and I myself went to a restaurant called Denny's where they serve breakfast all day and all night - I doubt they have any franchise locations near you in Equestria, your highness. Clever ordering - one plate of four pumpkin pancakes (fantastic, I must say) topped with whipped cream and an appetizer sampler consisting of a cheese quesadilla, mozzarella sticks, and chips with salsa con queso - resulted in a bill of only 28 bits to feed all four of us heartily. We enjoyed a refreshingly open discussion together, and then parted ways, Night Writer back to Southampton, and I dropping of Rainboom and then Wubcake.

The running of the leaves should be happening soon... the foliage was lovely. The driving today was wonderful. It almost reminded me of flying. I miss Equestria even though I've never been there. I miss my wings even though I've never had any.

It's 6:30 AM. I am gong to attempt to sleep in the unlikely event that I get a call back from a job application in the morning. The very thought of it rouses from out of me a derisive scoff. Maybe I should just buy another lottery ticket.