Today was terrible.
I wish I had more to say, Princess. I've failed the lessons of friendship and lost many friends.
There are so many things that went wrong. I am not sure how I can regret a 12 hour period so much. All of the infractions seemed so trivial on their own, and each one I look at, every step that made everything get worse, I just can't see how I would've reacted differently or changed anything.
In my incompetence I failed to properly account for how much the thoughtless actions of others would combine to knock me down. And then, in failing to account for that hurt, I said stupid things that ALSO blindly harmed others, and that prompted another to intentionally harm me.
And then I confided in someone I thought I could trust about how I was feeling, hoping that they would set me straight and help me figure out how I screwed up. Except I totally f#@%ing botched it and it sounded like I was complaining, which created even more toxicity... and then this person I trusted just DUMPS what I told them in confidence right back onto the person who lashed out at me, giving them ammunition to push my buttons again.
All day I've been trying to figure out how the hell this could happen. I used to think that friendship was more important than this, stronger than this, but now I'm having serious doubts about who my friends actually even are. It seems every minute has been a battle to keep myself from lashing out as that one hamfisted lout had. I'm struggling not to sink to their level... yet I feel like I'm already the lowest of the low.
This whole farce has destroyed my credibility with the entire group. It's hard to argue with that little voice that says "They already hate you. They already are disgusted with you. You're already worthless to them. In their eyes, you're guilty. Why not give them an actual legitimate reason to feel that way, now that they already do?"
But I'm still trying. Help me, Celestia... I'm trying...
I've broken down in tears several times today. Very seldom have I felt so hopeless. But who am I kidding? This isn't about me. This is about them. How I failed them. I let them down. At one point, these folks were my friends, and now they're not. When you're friends with someone, you are relevant to them; you have a presence in their lives that can make a difference. Truly if I had ever been their friend, which must have been the case once upon a time, I must have been able to have some influence over this outcome.
I'm desperate to learn, Princess. I wish you could write me back and help me learn from this horrible failure.
I'm so sorry.