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About Digital Art / Student Member Cyclone DuskMale/United States Recent Activity
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I lost the lottery again. Gee, I'm So Surprised. 

Today is sunday and it's noon in less than a minute, and I find myself feeling so tired, so incredibly, deeply tired... 

I was talking to a friend in group chat on Skype and before I even thought about it very hard, I just blurted out, I wish I could stop being conscious. Just... go away and never be aware of anything again. I would be fine with never seeing another dawn. 

That was when I realized that it's time to write another letter to you, princess. 

I missed my psychologist appointment. I thought it was going to be on thursday but then found out wednesday evening that it was supposed to be wednesday morning, and subsequently I felt my entire life go: *SHRUG*. 

Xion came to visit me yesterday and she got to try soylent. She liked it a lot. I'm glad about that. I think a lot of people could stand to see a fair bit of benefit from having soylent in their lives. It makes everything simpler. I gave her one of the resealable bags of the powder with a bottle of the oil blend, and she'll go home and try her hoof (or horn as the case may be) at mixing it up. Then we went to the mall and walked. We finally tried out that baked potato place on the lower level of the sears atrium. It was alright. Worth the money, I suppose. I got mine with chilli, bacon bits, ham, sausage, nacho cheese, butter, and sour cream. Quite filling. Raided the Toys'R'Us for Pony Merch too and found out that there are Octavia Melody plushes now. Huh.

And then I slept. And then I played Warframe a bit more. And then I ate. And then I was wondering why the hell I'm still here. 

I could have been happy about these things but I'm not. Instead I just feel like I'm a gray snail in a gray world leaving a gray trial of gray slime in my wake and it all amounts to nothing. It occurs to me to ask what I should do, but... I don't expect anyone to know anymore, so there's hardly any point to asking. I don't want anything. I could just... go away. And nobody would ever have to put up with my botheration again. 

I know, on a conscious level, that somehow this is wrong. I know that somehow there's something I can't see in all this and that without that vital information I can't make an informed decision. But my mind is stuck in a loop. It's a broken record, playing over the same thing, again and again and again. One of these times, I'm going to forget to resist, I suspect. 

Not even William Ernest Henley's "Invictus" reaches me right now.

Out of the night that covers me, black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul.

What night? What pit? The sun is shining and it has nothing to do with me. What gods? What soul? All I know is fatigue.

It's all like that. Nothing feels relevant anymore. 

Celestia... If you opened a portal to Equestria for me right now, I doubt I'd even go. I don't belong here... but I have come to accept that I probably don't belong there either. I don't belong anywhere. If I had my way I wouldn't even belong in a grave. Let the worms have this husk of meat and let the birds have those worms. I understand now. I've failed and there's nothing left for me. 
Isn't there something wrong when applying for a job one really likes gives one a bubbly and hopeful feeling exactly identical to the feeling one gets when purchasing a lottery ticket - complete with the very same looming specter of inevitable disappointment?

That's what it feels like. An exercise in futility. 

I know I don't live in Equestria, your highness... that life isn't fair out here beyond The Everfree. 

At the very least people understand that I'm trying. I'm still trying. Sol help me I sometimes feel like I should have given up ages ago, that it would've been so much easier to just fade away... but I haven't. Is it because I'm brave, or is it because I'm a coward? Am I stubborn, hapless, a fool, or a stubborn hapless fool? Every DAY feels like a betrayal, Princess. 

Every. 

Single.

DAY.

I've been seeing a therapist, so rest assured I'm in good hooves before I say: I wish I could just die already and get it over with.

The world has made it abundantly clear that my ilk is not welcome. It doesn't want me, it doesn't need me, and if I don't stay out of the way I will surely be trampled. Many people are motivated to obstruction out of spite. They resign themselves to being trampled, and endeavor to make the trampling process as uncomfortable for the trampler as possible. To hurl oneself so forcefully into the meat grinder that it clogs for the benefit of all those whom it would grind next. Is it noble... or is it savage? I.. 

... I really can't even tell anymore. 

The next logical step would be backward. To take a step back in order to survey the big picture and ultimately realize that it's all meaningless. Noble? Savage? Courageous? Craven? Just words. Just words made up by creatures desperate to recognize patterns even where there aren't any; to detect causal relationships where there is not one; to hallucinate purpose or believe, perhaps misguidedly, that there's a reason bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people... without even considering for a moment what good and bad really even are. 

Oops. Stepped back too far. Shucks, ain't that always the way. 

All I want is to make a contribution. To be a part of the world. 

It's funny. I can almost hear you trying to reassure me that I am a part of the world, and that you can see relevance in me that I can't see in myself... that if only I were aware of it, I would know that I have something to hang on for. I'm desperate enough to believe you, Princess. Desperate enough to believe an imaginary friend. 

Why does it feel so good to bleed, metaphorically, onto the page like this? I am not even sure I really want to know. 

I don't know much right now. 

Just small things.

Like what I did today:

I saw Rainbow Rocks today and it was good. Much better than EQG1. I dislike their portrayal of you as a principal of a high school, but the emotional context of the story managed to actually overpower my imagination's reeling rejection of the absurd logistical contrivances. I got to see friends, as well.

I picked up wubcake around 2pm and we went to Volley Shots' restaurant for lunch. Got the 'Four Happiness' and the 'house special lo mein' and split it. Volley Shots is always fun to hang out with. I intend to see him again on Sunday, provided nothing intervenes.

Then we left around 5pm and began the long drive to Worcester, where the film was playing, and met a brony from central Massachusetts named Chris, attending with his father. He was a good fellow with lots of friendly vibes. We compared Best Ponies (rainbow dash, I believe he said?). I gave him my contact information after the show just in case he wanted to link up with the local Stable, and we took pictures.

Afterward, Wubcake, Night Writer, Rainboom, and I myself went to a restaurant called Denny's where they serve breakfast all day and all night - I doubt they have any franchise locations near you in Equestria, your highness. Clever ordering - one plate of four pumpkin pancakes (fantastic, I must say) topped with whipped cream and an appetizer sampler consisting of a cheese quesadilla, mozzarella sticks, and chips with salsa con queso - resulted in a bill of only 28 bits to feed all four of us heartily. We enjoyed a refreshingly open discussion together, and then parted ways, Night Writer back to Southampton, and I dropping of Rainboom and then Wubcake.

The running of the leaves should be happening soon... the foliage was lovely. The driving today was wonderful. It almost reminded me of flying. I miss Equestria even though I've never been there. I miss my wings even though I've never had any.

It's 6:30 AM. I am gong to attempt to sleep in the unlikely event that I get a call back from a job application in the morning. The very thought of it rouses from out of me a derisive scoff. Maybe I should just buy another lottery ticket. 
I'm back from my trip to Arizona! I still feel quite out of sorts, but being away from home for 8 days will do that for you, I suppose. 

My cousin got married back in February. Her spouse wanted a traditional wedding, but she didn't want a ceremony AT ALL so they met in the middle with a compromise: ELOPE TO VEGAS! They totally hit up a drive thru chapel XD And somehow they made it seem CLASSY! You see, my cousin... she's an adventurer. She travels all over the world, often to perform charity work or as an educator. Kind of like a Daring Do who goes around helping OTHER people discover things... about themselves. I only learned about this during the course of the trip, and I feel kind of silly for not having realized it. I'm pretty sure she's a pegasus too XD but I didn't press the issue.

I am guilty of assuming that my cousins were both living on my aunt and uncle's dime, like many of my generation seeking a purpose but not finding one. No; my cousins HAVE purpose. They're full of it. They are ABLAZE with it. It's inspiring and heartening and all around wonderful to see them so passionate about the things they believe in. They definitely have their cutie marks and know exactly how they can contribute to the world, and I'm so proud of them... so proud of them both. 

I also learned that my uncle is the son of some famous big shot college football coach o_o so there's that, too! 

But I learned something even more important. I didn't learn it directly as a result from the trip or its experiences, but more so because of the distance and clarity of mind that the trip brought me. I suppose the moment I learned it was when I finally got home, sat down, and saw where I left off with everything. I was finally able to look objectively upon the events that took place during a letter I wrote to you two letters ago. 

I think that I can safely hypothesize that it's never wrong to feel something. Maybe the things that triggered the feeling were incorrect, but the feeling just happens, and we're helpless but to feel it. This is most easily described in terms of physicality: Some things just aren't supposed to hurt, but they do. Brian freeze. Stubbing your hoof. A cramp. Missing your step and taking a tumble. It's not really that these things shouldn't hurt; They're definitely known as things that just plain do hurt - rather, it's that the odds of them actually injuring us in a particularly serious way are extremely low. But it's not impossible. It's also possible to hurt someone by accident. If somepony didn't see somepony else in the way while they were moving a heavy object, for instance. And if they hurt someone in this way, are they reasonable to ignore the damage they've inadvertently caused? According to my previous experiences, this would be considered very rude. If they demand that the person they knocked over "get over it" and assume that they were not actually hurt, previous observation has told me that this would be considered quite insensitive, indeed.

My point, my liege, is that this same principle applies to our emotions. There is a problem where others can occasionally be rather rude and insensitive, and this negative reaction to the truth often motivates us to hide the truth. I have learned that this is wrong. 

I have learned that if those we consider our friends have hurt us, it is right to acknowledge those feelings and notify them. When we do not, we make assumptions - often incorrect assumptions - and then make judgements on those incorrect assumptions that are also flawed. Princess... is this not what happened to your sister? 

Did she not assume that our ancestors did not care about her? 
Did she not seal her emotions away for fear of reprisal, for fear of dismissal?
Did those emotions not poison our dearest Luna's perceptions?
Did those perceptions not motivate her into disproportionate retaliation?
We all now know how that escalation ended in tragedy for everypony

When we are hurt, we feel exposed... and we are taught to hide that exposure at all cost, without understanding just how high that cost may be. But the truth is we are already exposed, and it is too late to hide it. Hiding it makes us angry, and when we are angered, we are irrational. And when we are irrational, we fail

But if we invest our pain into honesty, and draw calm from that honesty, and state our case clearly and truly, I have calculated that one of three things will happen:

1. Our unintentional assailant will apologize and attempt to amend their error,
2. Our unintentional assailant will become belligerent and defensive, and dig their hole deeper with even more damage, which can only lead to the latter possibility OR the final one:
3. Our unintentional assailant exposes themselves as intentional, and earns the enmity of the herd. 

Too often we assume that everyone who slights us belongs in category #3, without having yet provided a toxic individual enough rope to hang themselves. Only they can expose themselves as wantonly malicious, sometimes through admission and sometimes through action. And the truth is, very few individuals are actually malicious. We all just want to get by, Princess. We all just want to feel welcome and purposeful, and contribute to the lives of those around us. Everypony wants a second chance... and I learned that I should give it, with honesty. 

That's what I learned, as well as why I learned it. We should be honest about how we feel even if we're afraid it will hurt even more. It will not hurt any worse than assuming we're right and escalating retaliation to ghosts. 

That's where I went wrong.

If I had just told the person who hurt me that they hurt me and how they hurt me, either they would have rebuffed me and denied it, which would have given me a case among the others around me, or they would have apologized, which would've left me feeling entirely better. Instead, I was a coward, and I hid behind dishonesty. And that hurt me even more.

I don't know if I can walk the walk for talking this talk, but I will try.
I'm trying to remind myself that having nothing to write about is a great excuse to start writing. It sounds entirely counter-intuitive, yes, but the truth is we seem to hide things from ourselves because we think it'll lessen the stresses in our lives, to make it seem like there's less we have to worry about... but it's wrong. We still worry about the bumps in the night heard from deep down in our subconscious, and there's one thing I know happens when I write a letter to you:

I can't lie. 

I know you're fictional, of course, Princess... I know you'll never get these letters, but I've been around the block many times already and I know a trick or two about cognitive dissonance for fun and profit. I used to be a catholic once. But I know how the mind twists itself like a circus contortionist when it believes it's facing a higher power that knows all. And does knowing you're fictional conflict with the idea that you know my heart already? Sure it does. But it doesn't prevent it from happening... because every person on this earth has a hole in them that they've traditionally filled, for eons, with a sense of belonging to something greater. It's our instinct to believe in things we can't possibly prove or understand, if only because it brings us together socially, or enables differing societies to compete.

So I'm not uncomfortable at all believing in you, Princess Celestia, and hoping that you would, at least hypothetically, believe in me. 

I'm still dancing around the point, alas. The point is, my neglect is catching up to me. I realize now that it's been almost a year since I've been employed and even though I've submitted many job applications, and placed many calls, it seems the only outfit that still wants anything to do with me is Bronycon. I'm proud that Bronycon would still have me on their security team... but except for that one weekend out of an entire year, I have nothing to show for. 

Over the past twelve months, I've had more 'free time' than ever before... and yet I don't draw. What do I do? I play video games. Fallout 3. TF2. Minecraft. FFXIV. Starbound ... it all just kind of meshes together into a glob of accrued worthless trivia. But even when I force myself to stop, I often stare at a blank canvas with my mind even emptier than the screen... I thought, if only I could have kept up with the Shipping and Handling project, I'd be such a better artist by now. I'd be able to crank out pictures in an hour! So many hours... so many pictures never drawn... 

I wanted to say more, Celestia. I'm sorry but I seem to have run out. Maybe I'll try again soon.

Competence,
Confidence,
Consequence.


Today was terrible.

I wish I had more to say, Princess. I've failed the lessons of friendship and lost many friends. 

There are so many things that went wrong. I am not sure how I can regret a 12 hour period so much. All of the infractions seemed so trivial on their own, and each one I look at, every step that made everything get worse, I just can't see how I would've reacted differently or changed anything. 

In my incompetence I failed to properly account for how much the thoughtless actions of others would combine to knock me down. And then, in failing to account for that hurt, I said stupid things that ALSO blindly harmed others, and that prompted another to intentionally harm me.

And then I confided in someone I thought I could trust about how I was feeling, hoping that they would set me straight and help me figure out how I screwed up. Except I totally f#@%ing botched it and it sounded like I was complaining, which created even more toxicity... and then this person I trusted just DUMPS what I told them in confidence right back onto the person who lashed out at me, giving them ammunition to push my buttons again.

All day I've been trying to figure out how the hell this could happen. I used to think that friendship was more important than this, stronger than this, but now I'm having serious doubts about who my friends actually even are. It seems every minute has been a battle to keep myself from lashing out as that one hamfisted lout had. I'm struggling not to sink to their level... yet I feel like I'm already the lowest of the low. 

This whole farce has destroyed my credibility with the entire group. It's hard to argue with that little voice that says "They already hate you. They already are disgusted with you. You're already worthless to them. In their eyes, you're guilty. Why not give them an actual legitimate reason to feel that way, now that they already do?" 

It's hard.

But I'm still trying. Help me, Celestia... I'm trying... 

I've broken down in tears several times today. Very seldom have I felt so hopeless. But who am I kidding? This isn't about me. This is about them. How I failed them. I let them down. At one point, these folks were my friends, and now they're not. When you're friends with someone, you are relevant to them; you have a presence in their lives that can make a difference. Truly if I had ever been their friend, which must have been the case once upon a time, I must have been able to have some influence over this outcome. 

I'm desperate to learn, Princess. I wish you could write me back and help me learn from this horrible failure.

I'm so sorry.
I lost the lottery again. Gee, I'm So Surprised. 

Today is sunday and it's noon in less than a minute, and I find myself feeling so tired, so incredibly, deeply tired... 

I was talking to a friend in group chat on Skype and before I even thought about it very hard, I just blurted out, I wish I could stop being conscious. Just... go away and never be aware of anything again. I would be fine with never seeing another dawn. 

That was when I realized that it's time to write another letter to you, princess. 

I missed my psychologist appointment. I thought it was going to be on thursday but then found out wednesday evening that it was supposed to be wednesday morning, and subsequently I felt my entire life go: *SHRUG*. 

Xion came to visit me yesterday and she got to try soylent. She liked it a lot. I'm glad about that. I think a lot of people could stand to see a fair bit of benefit from having soylent in their lives. It makes everything simpler. I gave her one of the resealable bags of the powder with a bottle of the oil blend, and she'll go home and try her hoof (or horn as the case may be) at mixing it up. Then we went to the mall and walked. We finally tried out that baked potato place on the lower level of the sears atrium. It was alright. Worth the money, I suppose. I got mine with chilli, bacon bits, ham, sausage, nacho cheese, butter, and sour cream. Quite filling. Raided the Toys'R'Us for Pony Merch too and found out that there are Octavia Melody plushes now. Huh.

And then I slept. And then I played Warframe a bit more. And then I ate. And then I was wondering why the hell I'm still here. 

I could have been happy about these things but I'm not. Instead I just feel like I'm a gray snail in a gray world leaving a gray trial of gray slime in my wake and it all amounts to nothing. It occurs to me to ask what I should do, but... I don't expect anyone to know anymore, so there's hardly any point to asking. I don't want anything. I could just... go away. And nobody would ever have to put up with my botheration again. 

I know, on a conscious level, that somehow this is wrong. I know that somehow there's something I can't see in all this and that without that vital information I can't make an informed decision. But my mind is stuck in a loop. It's a broken record, playing over the same thing, again and again and again. One of these times, I'm going to forget to resist, I suspect. 

Not even William Ernest Henley's "Invictus" reaches me right now.

Out of the night that covers me, black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul.

What night? What pit? The sun is shining and it has nothing to do with me. What gods? What soul? All I know is fatigue.

It's all like that. Nothing feels relevant anymore. 

Celestia... If you opened a portal to Equestria for me right now, I doubt I'd even go. I don't belong here... but I have come to accept that I probably don't belong there either. I don't belong anywhere. If I had my way I wouldn't even belong in a grave. Let the worms have this husk of meat and let the birds have those worms. I understand now. I've failed and there's nothing left for me. 

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Cyclone-Dusk
Cyclone Dusk
Artist | Student | Digital Art
United States
Only Candy Colored Equines Make The Hurting Stop...

And I've been happier and more peaceful ever since, even though my life has arguably only gotten worse. As long as I can keep drawing ponies, I'm happy. Please let me know if you'd like me to draw something! I accept donations via Paypal ^_^ but you don't have to give me anything; I just appreciate if you think I deserve something.

If you ever get a crazy generous vibe out of the blue:

Paypal: mtd.mobius@gmail.com
Dogecoin: DEj92fFeCJz1jaxv3Jc6UK727ACCKqiP6G
(many beg, such supplicate, very puppydog eyes, wow, so humility)
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:iconsteerpikeofficial:
SteerpikeOFFICIAL Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2014
Wow, it looks like we have some simular interests.
Reply
:iconwolfjedisamuel:
wolfjedisamuel Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Student Digital Artist
So it's your birthday, it it would see Pinkie has invaded your time to greet you. Well, allow a wolf as my self to intervene.
I wish you may best on your birthday  :cake: 
Reply
:iconaffinitypony:
AffinityPony Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Student Filmographer
Happy Birthday!
:iconparty1plz: :airborne:
Reply
:iconarmosk:
Armosk Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014
:iconpinkieisexcitedplz::iconsaysplz: Happy Birthday!:iconpinkiepiecakeplz:
Reply
:icontwilightismagic:
TwilightIsMagic Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Student General Artist
:iconpinkiebounce2plz::iconsaysplz:Over here, everypony! My Pinkie sense is telling me they're here!
:icontwilighthappyplz::iconsaysplz:Hi! Pinkie Pie invited us all to her friend's birthday party, and...
:iconpinkiepiesmileplz::iconsaysplz:And that friend is you! Happy birthday!:iconpinkiepartyplz:
:iconapplejackplz::iconsaysplz:Ah've brought an apple pie along for you, sugarcube!:iconapplepieplz:
:iconrarityplz::iconsaysplz:And I, speaking for all of us, wish you all the best in your life and all your endeavours!
:iconfluttershywinkplz::iconsaysplz:I hope that you'll have a wonderful time and that trouble will pass you by.
:iconcutedashsmileplz::iconsaysplz:And no matter what happens, remember that we'll always be your friends. Stay awesome!
:iconponyangelplz::iconsaysplz:May the magic of friendship and all it contains be ever with you.
:iconmlpspikeplz::iconsaysplz:And if you ever feel down, don't forget that that you're the hero of your life's story, and no-one else can be better at it than you!
:iconparty0plz::iconsaysplz:Now come on, you all, it's time to start the party for real!
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:iconmister-games:
mister-games Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Student General Artist
Happy birthday :D
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:iconprofessorbutters:
professorbutters Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you SO MUCH for the fan art. It made me SO HAPPY!
Reply
:icongeekinspired:
GeekInspired Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This art is all so cute :3
Reply
:iconshrivak:
shrivak Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Waaaaiiiiiit a plum-pickin' minute!
I've seen yer art before!

WELL DANG! HOWDY THERE!
Reply
:iconsneaky-snake-designs:
Sneaky-Snake-Designs Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
I sent you a reply FB message!
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