I lost the lottery again. Gee, I'm So Surprised.
Today is sunday and it's noon in less than a minute, and I find myself feeling so tired, so incredibly, deeply tired...
I was talking to a friend in group chat on Skype and before I even thought about it very hard, I just blurted out, I wish I could stop being conscious. Just... go away and never be aware of anything again. I would be fine with never seeing another dawn.
That was when I realized that it's time to write another letter to you, princess.
I missed my psychologist appointment. I thought it was going to be on thursday but then found out wednesday evening that it was supposed to be wednesday morning, and subsequently I felt my entire life go: *SHRUG*.
Xion came to visit me yesterday and she got to try soylent. She liked it a lot. I'm glad about that. I think a lot of people could stand to see a fair bit of benefit from having soylent in their lives. It makes everything simpler. I gave her one of the resealable bags of the powder with a bottle of the oil blend, and she'll go home and try her hoof (or horn as the case may be) at mixing it up. Then we went to the mall and walked. We finally tried out that baked potato place on the lower level of the sears atrium. It was alright. Worth the money, I suppose. I got mine with chilli, bacon bits, ham, sausage, nacho cheese, butter, and sour cream. Quite filling. Raided the Toys'R'Us for Pony Merch too and found out that there are Octavia Melody plushes now. Huh.
And then I slept. And then I played Warframe a bit more. And then I ate. And then I was wondering why the hell I'm still here.
I could have been happy about these things but I'm not. Instead I just feel like I'm a gray snail in a gray world leaving a gray trial of gray slime in my wake and it all amounts to nothing. It occurs to me to ask what I should do, but... I don't expect anyone to know anymore, so there's hardly any point to asking. I don't want anything. I could just... go away. And nobody would ever have to put up with my botheration again.
I know, on a conscious level, that somehow this is wrong. I know that somehow there's something I can't see in all this and that without that vital information I can't make an informed decision. But my mind is stuck in a loop. It's a broken record, playing over the same thing, again and again and again. One of these times, I'm going to forget to resist, I suspect.
Not even William Ernest Henley's "Invictus" reaches me right now.
Out of the night that covers me, black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul.
What night? What pit? The sun is shining and it has nothing to do with me. What gods? What soul? All I know is fatigue.
It's all like that. Nothing feels relevant anymore.
Celestia... If you opened a portal to Equestria for me right now, I doubt I'd even go. I don't belong here... but I have come to accept that I probably don't belong there either. I don't belong anywhere. If I had my way I wouldn't even belong in a grave. Let the worms have this husk of meat and let the birds have those worms. I understand now. I've failed and there's nothing left for me.