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About Digital Art / Student Member Cyclone DuskMale/United States Recent Activity
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Cyclone Dusk
Artist | Student | Digital Art
United States
Only Candy Colored Equines Make The Hurting Stop...

Hello! I am not rich enough to be considered Eccentric, so we can just settle on BARKING MAD! I'm scraping by at the bottom of the barrel, scrambling for whatever feeble hoofhold I can to avoid a cataclysmic self-destruction in a glorious blaze of stupid. I'm actively feeding delusions, willfully engaging in cognitive dissonance for fun and profit, and gleefully throwing caution to the wind because any rational person who has been through what I've been through would have given up by now! :D It's a LOT LESS FUN than I make it sound!

As long as I can keep drawing ponies, I'm happy. Please let me know if you'd like me to draw something! I accept donations via Paypal ^_^ but you don't have to give me anything; I just appreciate if you think I deserve something.

If you ever get a crazy generous vibe out of the blue:

Dogecoin: DEj92fFeCJz1jaxv3Jc6UK727ACCKqiP6G
(many beg, such supplicate, very puppydog eyes, wow, so humility)
Dear Princess Celestia,

    Happy New Year! I wish I could be sure exactly what I want to say, but I have quite a lot of things on my mind. Fortunately, perhaps even amazingly, they are all for the most part good things.

    2014 was a particularly dark year with some bright points few and far between. I feel that I learned a lot, although those lessons took a tuition of shockingly disproportionate grief. It was 11 months of soul rending pointlessness, right up until December began. I read those journal entries and my letters to you and find myself appalled at what I'd been through. Not even because of what those trials were for, but rather for the fact that they weren't for anything. Just... survival.

    Some people imagine that hell is blood and fire and sharp piercing agony over and over again, but that's a kind of pain that at least makes sense. That pain has causes and effects that are plainly empirically observable. Truly maddening is when you're hurting and don't know why. Not only is there no discernible cause, but no higher purpose to it. It's not just pain; it's pain for no good reason.

    I learned things other than about friendship. I learned about my own weaknesses and shortfalls quite a bit too. I learned that I have a tendency to, paradoxically, expect the worst from people while acting like I'm expecting the best from them. Every accepted open hand came with the expectation of a slap. Every kindness came saddled with the suspicion that it was camouflage for cruelty. No one was safe from my paranoia. The people I love the most... I realize in retrospect I fully expected them to be judging me and hating me behind my back. Rather than trusting in their good faith, I trusted that they would lash out at me at some point but forced myself to smile and pretend to feel safe. ... I'm sure they were able to tell, at some points, and I can't imagine how much it hurt them, how much it insulted them, those times it seemed more obvious than usual that I was just waiting for them to wound me... while being prepared to keep loving them after they did.

    But they didnt, Celestia. They never intentionally hurt me. The people I know and love now, they just aren't like that, and I don't know why it's only becoming obvious to me now. I can't even remember in detail the last time someone weaseled their way close to me only to yank the rug out from under my hooves when I least expected it. Even now that horrible little voice in the back of my mind tells me, "they couldn't yank the rug out when you least expected because you always expected. If you ever stop, just wait and see what happens."

    I feel, at least, however, as though I may actually be able to overcome this.


    The big takeaway to all of this is that trust is not a binary proposition:
Sometimes you can truly believe that someone is benevolent and not even have even the most scant a trace of cruel or selfish or dishonest or treacherous suspicion toward them.
Sometimes you are startlingly aware of how much they can hurt you, and have these scenarios haunt you every day, constantly worrying if today will be the day they choose to finally take their chance and shoot you in the back...
Sometimes you feel the above and decide that ... it is worth having them close to your heart, even if it is only a temporarily illusion, an uncertain comfort at best, and bide your time, attempting to glean as much stability and happiness as you can before it all "inevitably" goes down in flames.

    I want to learn how to trust someone completely again, Princess. Especially my friends.
I recognize now that I am acting in violation of honesty by internally intentionally accepting horrendous risks that are unrealistic to the people they relate to. It's like slandering them inside my own mind. I'm sorry. I will try, to my very best, to stop.
I recognize now that I am acting in violation of loyalty as well. Hopefully, the elements of harmony will allow me to fess up, and show my friends proper respect.

Well. That turned out quite a bit differently than I expected it to. Thank you again, Princess Celestia, for providing me a soundboard.

Your faithful subject,
Cyclone Dusk

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SteerpikeOFFICIAL Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2014
Wow, it looks like we have some simular interests.
wolfjedisamuel Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Student Digital Artist
So it's your birthday, it it would see Pinkie has invaded your time to greet you. Well, allow a wolf as my self to intervene.
I wish you may best on your birthday  :cake: 
AffinityPony Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Student Filmographer
Happy Birthday!
:iconparty1plz: :airborne:
Armosk Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014
:iconpinkieisexcitedplz::iconsaysplz: Happy Birthday!:iconpinkiepiecakeplz:
TwilightIsMagic Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Student General Artist
:iconpinkiebounce2plz::iconsaysplz:Over here, everypony! My Pinkie sense is telling me they're here!
:icontwilighthappyplz::iconsaysplz:Hi! Pinkie Pie invited us all to her friend's birthday party, and...
:iconpinkiepiesmileplz::iconsaysplz:And that friend is you! Happy birthday!:iconpinkiepartyplz:
:iconapplejackplz::iconsaysplz:Ah've brought an apple pie along for you, sugarcube!:iconapplepieplz:
:iconrarityplz::iconsaysplz:And I, speaking for all of us, wish you all the best in your life and all your endeavours!
:iconfluttershywinkplz::iconsaysplz:I hope that you'll have a wonderful time and that trouble will pass you by.
:iconcutedashsmileplz::iconsaysplz:And no matter what happens, remember that we'll always be your friends. Stay awesome!
:iconponyangelplz::iconsaysplz:May the magic of friendship and all it contains be ever with you.
:iconmlpspikeplz::iconsaysplz:And if you ever feel down, don't forget that that you're the hero of your life's story, and no-one else can be better at it than you!
:iconparty0plz::iconsaysplz:Now come on, you all, it's time to start the party for real!
mister-games Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Student General Artist
Happy birthday :D
professorbutters Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you SO MUCH for the fan art. It made me SO HAPPY!
GeekInspired Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This art is all so cute :3
shrivak Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Waaaaiiiiiit a plum-pickin' minute!
I've seen yer art before!

Sneaky-Snake-Designs Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
I sent you a reply FB message!
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