Dear Princess Celestia,
It seems I have again made a nasty habit of leaving you out of the loop. Life sure would be a lot more simple if the degree to which one is sorry directly correlated to the likelihood that one would change. I'd be a completely different person today if everything I were sorry for actually changed me in some meaningful way. But I suppose it might also depend upon wherever a pony might draw the line on what does or does not constitute "meaningful". I expect you might tell me that every experience is meaningful, or at least potentially meaningful if we make an effort to understand. Actually, that sounds kind of like a good idea. I'll emphasize it here:
Any experience can be meaningful if you take the time to fill it with meaning.
This may even actually correlate to some changes in my life as of late.
Some months ago, Your Majesty, I scried you. That's what a few pagan friends of mine told me I was doing when I would create a circle of water on the pavement and then visualize it as an invitation for you to descend for an audience. But as you doubtless recall, what I asked you in said scrying was, "What should I do differently? I feel I am not getting anywhere in my life. Is there anything I should do to change?" And whereas I expected you to tell me a set of instructions or suggestions, instead you said,
"You don't have to change, Cyclone.
You're doing good things, and you'll be okay.
Sometimes, the world just needs to catch up.
Give it time."
You were right.
A little while before that particular session, I had had a job interview at a small machine shop very very close to where I live. A small, family-owned business that needed some office support. After a week, I heard nothing from them. And then I called them and said I was still interested, but even then there was nothing. After what you told me though... I waited. I kept applying for jobs, but I didn't change my tack, I didn't lower my standards, I didn't compromise my ethics, I just kept trudging on toward the uncertain horizon.
But then the world caught up. They called me back, and the next day I had a second interview. As a result of that interview, I was asked to start the very Monday that followed. I have a job again, Your Highness ;_; finally after all these months...! And while I'm sure you're not interested in receiving my thanks, I am grateful to you anyway. Once again you were a guiding light to me in the darkest of places. Thank you for raising the sun again after this long, cold night. Yesterday I deposited my first paycheck. I paid my phone bill, I filled my gas tank, I had dinner with a friend and was actually able to do so without mooching off them for once.
This job, it's not painful. It's not what I'd call 'difficult', but it's not 'easy' either. At this employer, I will be doing very many things to help operations run more smoothly. I do repetitive, focus-intensive tasks that would eat the valuable time of those who have more useful skills than I do. My boss is the hard-working sort who knows his business both inside and out, and he doesn't hire people because he doesn't want to do the work himself; he hires them because he doesn't have enough time in the day to do it all on his own. He just wants folks to do things the way he would do them. And I think I can do that.
As I mentioned above, despite this work being what some might call 'menial', I've found it meaningful. I'm picking up details about how a business does things on every level. Paper trails for all interactions; purchase orders in duplicate and invoices in quadruplicate--an invoice for them, a copy for us, a packing slip for them, a copy for us; quotes, estimating forms, ratings, job cards; A vast tree of documentation dependencies is sprouting in my mind and I will tend to this tree for them very soon, if all works out well... by Sol I hope it will. I've found meaning in this. I feel validated. I feel as though I'm actually helping.
As a result, I've been going to bed ridiculously early lately, and getting up so early that some ponies still refer to it as 'late'. Ideally, I can wake up as early as 3 am and still have a significant chunk of the night ahead of me. I can use this time for anything, but sometimes I even draw... And the job isn't the only thing that I feel I have going for me now. I have been part of a community for some months now on a minecraft server called Concordia. It's a pony server. And you're there, Your Majesty, after a fashion... The you that I write these letters to isn't necessarily identically the presence that you have there, but to me any place you have in the world is something to honor and respect. You do a wonderful job there, and I'm so grateful to have a place.
The collection of companion souls who reside with me for better or worse has grown by one. In the realm of that server, I am responsible for representing your little pony, Time Turner, also known as The Doctor. And I hope to do him as much honor as he truly deserves. He has kind of taken off, becoming a pony larger than the mere concept alone. Every so often there are amazing unexpected emergent interactions that shed light on a rich, deeply involved inner life that I am a mere party to, a vessel for. I may never get to go to Equestria for real, but I've found the next best thing to yet exist.
I had hoped I had more to tell you, but I feel this has gone on long enough. As ever I will strive to be vigilant for possible lessons.
Your Devoted Subject,
Listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-BGcMAvILs